you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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