if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
