You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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