i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
