He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize