I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Are we still banned from the library?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
