there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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