sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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