Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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