You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
