Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
