bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize