Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
