I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
