matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
