i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
