After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
