i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
