Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
