I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize