Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
