So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
