I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
