my mouth tastes like poor choices
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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