If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize