It's like a parade of train wrecks.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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