A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
