rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
