Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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