Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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