I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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