I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
