My first STD was from a foam party
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
false alarm, still single
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
