You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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