I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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