i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
