If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
