just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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