We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize