You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
