Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Send help, water and tortillas.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Shame - the story of my life.
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