i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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