It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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