She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
