i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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