so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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