i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
