Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
