I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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