Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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