he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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