Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
