Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
