i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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