I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
