Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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